A Poor Man’s Guide to the Movies

Even during the Great Depression, people queued to see the movies.

The good thing about being really, really, super poor this particular summer is that it hasn’t been all that hard to trim down my entertainment budget.  I’ll be honest… I’m not a big fan of thrillers (Splice), stupid comedies (Get Him to the Greek) or Shrek movies, so really, there hasn’t been a lot so far that I’m dying to pay eleven hard-earned dollars to see.  And when people start to tell me about how great Get Him to the Greek is, or how Splice is actually a compelling movie that brings up intriguing questions, I usually either think to myself that I’ll watch them when they’re streaming on Netflix (which I’m paying like $16/month for already) or I ignore those evil assholes completely.

Still, let’s be real… it’s as hard to keep Michael Trenary out of the theater in the summer as it is to keep Jamie Oliver out of a PopFountain post.  So whilst rolling about $20 worth of pennies that I would later use to pay my June electric bill, I developed a brand new way to prioritize my movie ticket spending.  Behold, A Poor Man’s Guide to the Movies…

Suicide: “Cerenberg and the City”

Christ, kid, take it easy on the Mountain Dew!

Remember when you were a little kid and you’d go to a gas station and get a pop and much to your mom’s chagrin you’d mix all of the flavors together until what was in your cup was a brown cacophony of syrupy sweetness that you wouldn’t dream of drinking now that you’re all *cough*mature*cough*?  Well, that’s kind of what it’s like going into a conversation between Kiki and me.  We start out talking about one thing but quickly add in so many other topics that by the end we’re not really sure what we’ve wound up talking about… just that it was insightful, revelatory gold (even if only to us.)  From time to time, we hope you will indulge us (and let’s face it, if you’re reading this, you probably already are) as we share with you our “Conversational Suicides” such as this one, which stems from my recent conversation with Ms. Abba regarding her negative feelings toward Jesse Eisenberg.

MICHAEL: So, the cat’s out of the bag: you’re not a Jesse Eisenberg fan.  Why, Kiki?  What gives?

KIKI: When will the tabloids stop printing these vicious lies? For the record I would like to publicly state that I do not dislike Jesse Eisenberg.  Anyone that likes Michael Cera (which I do and you don’t, Mr. Trenary) can’t possibly dislike Jesse Eisenberg. They are basically the same person. Except Jesse can probably open his mouth all the way.

M: Where would you say this ‘vicious’ rumor stems from?  There has to be a reason people think you like Jesse Eisenberg even less than you like Kirsten Dunst.

K: A of all, let’s not even bring up that bland piece of boring, Kirsten Dunst or I might have to become violent. B of all, here’s the truth of the matter: I didn’t like Adventureland or Zombieland. Granted, my expectations for Adventureland were way too high. I thought it would be more Superbad and less Nick & Nora. (See? I even had to use Michael Cera movies to make an accurate comparison.) It just wasn’t funny. Although I don’t think it was meant to be. It was probably meant to be more poignant and a coming of age story and… I’m getting bored just typing this. And why Bill Hader and Kristin Wiig bothered to be in it is beyond me.