No, WE are eternally grateful.

(SPOILER FREE!) Being the hardworking young Americans we both are, we went to a weekday morning showing of Toy Story 3 (in glorious 2-D!) equipped with enough doughnuts and mimosas to crack open the hard shells of cynicism and bitterness we typically don and enough Kleenex to dry up the resultant tears. Most are calling this the best movie of the summer. Many are calling it the best movie of the year. Some are now even calling the entire saga the best motion picture trilogy of all time. So what’d we think of the finale of one of the most influential and memorable film series of our lifetimes?

… you’ll need to give us a moment.

Kiki: Okay, after a few splashes of water and smacks on the face I’ve finally gotten my composure back and can now clearly focus on the computer screen. Returning to work immediately after Toy Story 3 was a difficult chore but momma’s gotta pay dem bills. How are you holding up, Michael?

Michael: I’m laying in my bed wishing my mom would come home and make me a bowl of macaroni and cheese and run her hands through my hair.

Kiki: I totally hear you. I’m 9 years old again, ugly as ever, and I just want to go home and have my mom trace my face with her finger while I watch a Disney movie. We’re pathetic.

Michael: What was your favorite toy when you were a kid?

Kiki: It’s sad but I was actually more of a movie watcher. I never had a blanket or a binky obsession. I did have this one stuffed Chip from Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers that I loved (insert striptease joke here) but nothing that was ever my unconditional best friend. Does that make me a freak?

Michael: Not a freak, per se, but definitely eerily brand-loyal to Disney. Even so… what ever became of your lukewarm buddy Chip? Do you even remember???

Kiki: Oh yeah, as a self-proclaimed pack rat I have all of my most loved stuffed animals in a white plastic bag in our basement storage closet. I can’t part with things easily–especially ones that have sentimental value. Which is probably why I had such a strong emotional response to this movie. Yeah, I was mildly attracted to the newly-aged Andy (those blue eyes were dreamy), but more importantly I knew exactly the struggle he was going through: it’s hard to let go. What about you and your toy story?

Apparently Pixar's not a fan of portly male characters with southern charm.

Michael: I, too, was one with the stuffed animal (probably had a ‘Lotso’ myself, though I don’t recall any of my toys ever smelling of Strawberries…) and I think most of them are still residing in a giant old washing machine box in my parents’ basement that’s all bent out of shape now due to countless hours of me tipping it over and laying amongst my furry friends. Most of the other stuff (of the non-stuffed variety) either got sold in garage sales or I made my mom (ruthless purger that she is) “take care of them” when I wasn’t home so I wouldn’t be wracked with guilt once my closet had room for things like socks and shoes again. Looks like Pixar, though, won’t let me off so easily; watching that movie was like feeling the weight of a thousand mold-injected souls raining down upon me!  I’m so sorry, Ninja Turtle action figures!

Kiki: I’m sitting right there next to you on the old guilt train. Why did I let my pillow person get so discolored sitting in that window frame? And my Samantha American Girl doll wasn’t given to me until I was just a bit too old to play with her. I’m sorry, Samantha. For everything.

Michael: And yet… the movie was, I daresay, uplifting?

Kiki: You’re right, it was. It made me feel like there is hope and goodness in the world… instead of a life of abuse and un-fulfillment, these characters were given a second chance at happiness and along the way learned that what was most important was the family that they’ve built together. Damn it, Pixar, how do you keep doing it?

Pixar Studios: Home of movie-making genius.

Michael: I mean really, this movie has both given me the gift of reawakening my inner 12 year-old (the age I was when I originally saw the first movie, back when I was so full of hope and happiness), but at the same time it helped me deal with the bittersweet (and very grown-up) acceptance of the austere journey that is life. It’s that perfect blending of innocence and experience, of humor and pathos, of kid-logic and adult-reason, that Pixar unfailingly provides. Toy Story 3 yet again proves that this singular group of people understands the human condition to the T, and I think that’s about the highest compliment that you can bestow upon any movie, animated or otherwise.

Kiki: Preach… I couldn’t have said it better!  Pixar, I’m sorry that we ever doubted your unfailing ability to produce phenomenal work that not only challenges what people can “expect” from an animated movie but also shows us what live action movies should strive for: good storytelling surrounding compelling characters. That’s all this girl needs.

Michael: Some people are now calling the Toy Story franchise the best trilogy of all time. Thoughts?

If those were Barrel o' Monkeys, he'd be effed.

Kiki: Wow. On the day it came out? Dang, that is quite the hype. It certainly blew Matrix out of the water by being consistently creative and not subjecting us to a shit-tastic ending. The Bourne series are great popcorn movies, but they don’t touch on anything below the surface (minus the tightening of my pants. What? Yeah). And when you think about it, there really aren’t that many other “good” trilogies outside of the obvious original Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. I don’t know if TS3 is better than those movies but I have no qualms in proclaiming that it is equal to their caliber. (Good to note: I’ve never seen any of the Godfather movies, so please excuse their absence.) What do you think?

Michael: I dunno. I definitely think, like you said, that it’s on par with the greats. But I think calling it the best movie trilogy of all time might be both presumptuous and premature – I mean at least give it a week, you know? And different strokes for different folks: not everybody likes computer-animated toys, just like not everybody likes hairy-footed little people running into volcanoes. That said, once I marinate on it, and watch them all again and become more familiar with the overall arc of the series, I might be able to give it that honor. Which installment of the three is your favorite?

Kiki: “Different Strokes,” Michael? Too soon… Gary Coleman just bit it.

Michael: Don’t remind me…

Kiki: But anyway, that’s a hard call. It’s definitely between the first and the third. It’s pretty hard to make a fair comparison when I haven’t re-watched TS3 a million times driving to The Region to visit my grandparents or when I re-visit Disney movies to prep for an epic vacation to Disney World. So I’m just not sure. I think I’ll watch them for different purposes: the first one to laugh, the third to cry. The first one to say hello to these lovable characters and the third to say goodbye. (Because they should definitely quit while they’re ahead and NOT do a fourth movie.) Which one do you think takes the (birthday) cake?

Michael: In all fairness I should let the shininess of this new one wear off first so I can appreciate it for what it is rather than what I may or may not have expected it to be. But I will say that while I feel like all three movies are “on the level” as far as character and story are concerned, Toy Story 2 remains my favorite for now. I think the introduction of the notion that we are all, in one way or another, outgrown by those that we love at some point in our lives is really when my enjoyment of the series evolved from “Oooh, funny computer-animated playthings” to “Jesus Christ Life is hard…” If I had to come up with a tagline for Episode 3, it’d probably be, “…but so worth it.” Jesus, Kiki… I am crying right now….

Kiki: Awww, littlebear…

Michael: … all those Beanie Babies…

Kiki: There, there, Michael. Let momma Kiki hold you.

Michael: Can you make me some mac and cheese?

Kiki: Shhh…